I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
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My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.