I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
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Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.