@thatdentaldude

I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.

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@Home_Halfway

PERSON: Your baby is so cute

ME: Oh thank you

PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!

ME: Oh I hope not but thanks

PERSON:

ME:

PERSON:

ME:

PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them

ME: Okay we gotta go now

@HireMeImFunny

Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire

@OyVeyLady

When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.

@BrassBallsCJ

At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.

@xandvt

Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide

@mela_shea

[What I think he saw]

Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.

[What he actually saw]

Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.

@robdelaney

Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.

@deloisivete

6: that’s none of your business

4: it IS my business

6:

4: what does business mean

@olivebeerthanks

Amazon is approved for drone delivery…

Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.