I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
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“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
Writing, She Murdered.
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
New favorite tiktok
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?