I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
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*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
I occasionally drink every single night.
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
He-man has a Masters degree
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.