@JohnLyonTweets

I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.

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@amandajpanda

The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?

@Ochayethewu

*Creates Animals*

God: They’re magnificent.

Angel: Some of ur best work.

Man: Which ones go on pizza?

@Staggfilms

Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.

@conor_tripler

i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me

@thedad

When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.

@sweetmomissa

The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.

@dfaber84

My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas

It’s me, I’m the remote start.

@GianDoh

*dents another car while parking*

*leaves note under windshield wiper*

“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”

@shanethevein

” National No Bra Day”?

I say pics or it didn’t happen day.