I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.

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The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?


*Creates Animals*

God: They’re magnificent.

Angel: Some of ur best work.

Man: Which ones go on pizza?


Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.


i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me


When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.


The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.


My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas

It’s me, I’m the remote start.


*dents another car while parking*

*leaves note under windshield wiper*

“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”


” National No Bra Day”?

I say pics or it didn’t happen day.