I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
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waiting for halloween be like:
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
TRAIN’S HERE
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”