I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
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U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
I love the National Park Service.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?