I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
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“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp