I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
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I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
Worst bar ever.
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
some cats are just doing for fun!
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on