I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
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The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
I falcon love using swear birds
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
5 ways to appear taller
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh