I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
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This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
How is it still this week?
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?