I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
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My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.