I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
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Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.