I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
You Might Also Like
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.