I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
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Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
best first i’ve ever seen
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?