I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
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You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans