I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
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*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
I hate everything
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
Put a ring on it
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.