I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
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Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
*mops up wine with cat*
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
Got ya covered
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department