I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
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I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”