I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
You Might Also Like
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
💻🤡
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel