I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
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To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.