I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
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My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.