@Thuggedraccoon

I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time

You Might Also Like

@clichedout

nurse: she’s dead

me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE

nurse: what-

me: shhhhh

patient: [faintly] ba ba ba

me: nope

@AaronFullerton

Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.

@SirEviscerate

Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.

@jzux

pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic

pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now

@TheAlexNevil

This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.

@primawesome

Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.

@SteveSuckington

[on a date]

I’ve got butterflies in my stomach

“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”

[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok

@rcromwell4

My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.