@Thuggedraccoon
@clichedout nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
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@clichedout 
@AaronFullerton Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
@SirEviscerate Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
@poutinesmoothie *watches the world burn*
@Happydog___ Classic German Shepherd 😂
@jzux pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
@TheAlexNevil This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
@primawesome Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
@SteveSuckington [on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
@rcromwell4 My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.