I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time

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nurse: she’s dead

me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE

nurse: what-

me: shhhhh

patient: [faintly] ba ba ba

me: nope


Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.


Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.


pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic

pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now


This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.


Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.


[on a date]

I’ve got butterflies in my stomach

“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”

[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok


My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.