I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
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I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON