I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
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Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
an I working from home…. or living at work? 🤔🤔🤔
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later