I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
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“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
three things we don’t talk about
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Me: i wish for $20 then
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
Types of shit:
3) Knee deep in
7) Full of
9) Piece of
11) I don’t give a
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.