I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.

Cop: And yet, here we are…

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Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.


me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*

the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*


I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.


Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.


judge: do u swear to tell the truth

me: dare

judge: what

me: i choose dare instead

judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal


Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs

Jeremy: That’s really cool dad

Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually


What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!


“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”


A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?


My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain