I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
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[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
doing your own taxes
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring