Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“My safe word was Worcestershire.”

— A ghost

Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.

cellmate: what are you in here for

me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold

Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*

Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*

My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?

three things we don’t talk about

My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.

[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.

Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?

Day Two: Murder

Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now

If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.

I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.

Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a

My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.

The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.

[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]

so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain

I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”

I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.

Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner

I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts

My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.

Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME

Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet

DAMMIT!

Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio

At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.

If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.

you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club

I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.

Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.

My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.

I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.

~Psychopaths.

A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.

They did it with a straight face too.