i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
You Might Also Like
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”