I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
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1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
me when i see my girls butt
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.