@aneesa_p

I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.

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@XplodingUnicorn

Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?

5-year-old: A baby.

Woman: What kind of baby?

5-year-old: A human one.

Nailed it.

@JosesLovesYou

Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do

@OhNoSheTwitnt

No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.

@birbigs

Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?

5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.

Apparently she learned bribery.

@o__0Dev

Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.

@brunopieroni

How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river

@Bob_Heller

You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.

@PRESTONinCOLOR

When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”