I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
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A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
Beauty and the Beast
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
my professor scared me for a second
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
Friends that check up on you >
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
How much for the goth pool noodles?
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*