@aneesa_p
@XplodingUnicorn Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
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@XplodingUnicorn 
@DirtMcTurd Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
@JosesLovesYou Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
@OhNoSheTwitnt No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
@birbigs Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
@XplodingUnicorn Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
@o__0Dev Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
@brunopieroni How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
@Bob_Heller You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
@PRESTONinCOLOR When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”