I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.

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Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?

5-year-old: A baby.

Woman: What kind of baby?

5-year-old: A human one.

Nailed it.


Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do


No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.


Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”


Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?

5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.

Apparently she learned bribery.


Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.


How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river


You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.


When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”