I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
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A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.