I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
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ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
i want the dreams to chase me for once
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”