I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
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Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
My birthstone is kidney
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup