@Tbone7219

I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.

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@Angibangie

Prank:

Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.

(helps if ur a scientist)

@JohnHilsen

Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.

@riot4rach

me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving

my kids: are ALL the presents for you

me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them

@Jake_Vig

I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.

@ActivistActive

It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer

@funflaps

why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane

@JasonNotEvil

In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball

@robdelaney

The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.

@ArfMeasures

Me: What do you think of your haircut?

Wife: I need more volume

Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?