I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
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My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.