I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
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Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
It be like that sometimes 😆
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
Imma just leave this here…………