I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
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I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
A short story of betrayal:
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
*puts cutlery down*
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.