I only look at Wordle for the articles
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Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
Good morning y’all ☀️
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.