I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
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I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.