@AnOrangeSNES

I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos

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@truegritrumble

SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.

@LeMay666

I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.

@johnbiehl

Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.

@OllyiConic

olive garden host: welcome to ol-

me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives

@didifalldown

[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders

@AaronFullerton

Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”

Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”

@Adam_Kingsnorth

Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic

@justinmilleresq

Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend