I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
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“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night