I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
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It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND