I only say stupid things when I talk.
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Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*