I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
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*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.