I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
You Might Also Like
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
One venti cheeseburger please.
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.