I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
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Guys, I found it.
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
I came this close!!!!
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?