Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I always follow my moral compass

friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass

I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.

Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.

Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.

This is why I don’t delete Facebook

Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.

Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.

This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.

I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.

When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…

Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.

I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.

I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.

I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks

Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.

Me: are you ready?

Husband: yes

Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-

Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick

Boss: You gonna get any work done today?

Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.

B: Who won?

M: Jack Daniels

did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”

I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.

My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week

Leonardo DiCaprisun

This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert

Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street

If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems

He is ready

#meowed #TheMeowedClub

I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.

HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work

*during sex*

Him: come on baby, moan for me….

Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?

[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?

When I bought a new carpet my dog become a shark