I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
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The hardest thing Vision has to do
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
one of
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.