I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
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Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
Tremendous stuff
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything