I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
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A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…