I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
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Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.