I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
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If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
That’s classic.
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.