*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
You Might Also Like
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”