@VibesBummer

I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.

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@ristolable

Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.

@daemonic3

GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language

BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand

BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent

@mattZillaaaa

My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”

@thedad

[commercial for babies]

*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*

Narrator: don’t you hate this?

@tastefactory

Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*

@_wangwe

*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here

@UrPalWilly

Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing

@sixfootcandy

If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok