I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
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“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock