@VibesBummer

I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.

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@AnniemuMary

I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.

@clichedout

Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?

@darlingadora

me on ellen

ellen: so i heard you love the ocean

me: ya

(the studio starts flooding)

me: omg ellen you didn’t

@slimmy_shady

You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.

@OhhhLuiss

It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁

@zoebread

im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat

@OtherDanOBrien

Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back

@ch000ch

OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM