Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
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GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: *starts sweating*
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok