I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.

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Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.


GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language

BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand

BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent


My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”


[commercial for babies]

*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*

Narrator: don’t you hate this?


Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*


*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here


Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing


If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok